i just looked at the calendar and counted. exactly 46 days until i become a missus, have a new last name, and spend the rest of my life with the man i love. wow. as i sit in my bed typing this, it still doesn’t sink in. i can’t summon a mental image of 46 days from now or imagine the emotions that will come rushing. but right now, i can tell you exactly how i feel: excitement, joy, anticipation mixed in with a whole lot of anxiety, stress, and worry. anybody will tell you those feelings don’t mix well together. and the roller-coaster changes—up, down, up down, down, up—they aren’t good for my stomach.
okay, so when you think about getting married, yes, you can sort of imagine just how stressful it might be. but let me tell you something. the actual experience is something else altogether. nerve-racking is a word that comes to mind right now. i mean, of course, it’s definitely an exciting and thrilling time, but when you’re a perfectionist like me who wants to get every little detail sorted out working with a specific budget and without a wedding coordinator, it can get . . . interesting.
but then you’ll ask me, “if you’re so busy, how come you have time to blog?” because i’ll go insane if i don’t find a way to vent out and shake off my anxieties. my friends (who have bore the brunt of my nervousness) will tell you just how high-strung i can get these days, haha. besides, there is that little part of me that likes to pretend all is in order and that i have all the time in the world to do what i want. you know when you have a lot to do, but the realization of just how much effort it will take to accomplish them is enough to make you cry and you just want to keep postponing them while knowing at the same time you will pay for it? yep, that’s me right now.
it’s gotten to a point where i know i should just take a breath, quiet my mind, and say a prayer. but i haven’t found or made the time. maybe after this post, i will. sometimes, i get so lost and absorbed with controlling things, i forget that ultimately, He is in control and He is with me in this time of excitement and worry.
i just did a quick read-through this post, and i can tell i am just rambling. i really doubt anything i’ve just written is coherent. oh well. there’s time to edit it the next time i feel the need to “escape.”
so i guess that will be tomorrow then. 😉