Tag Archives: reflections

musings on weddings, marriage, and ever after

30 Jun

i just looked at the calendar and counted. exactly 46 days until i become a missus, have a new last name, and spend the rest of my life with the man i love. wow. as i sit in my bed typing this, it still doesn’t sink in. i can’t summon a mental image of 46 days from now or imagine the emotions that will come rushing. but right now, i can tell you exactly how i feel: excitement, joy, anticipation mixed in with a whole lot of anxiety, stress, and worry. anybody will tell you those feelings don’t mix well together. and the roller-coaster changes—up, down, up down, down, up—they aren’t good for my stomach.

okay, so when you think about getting married, yes, you can sort of imagine just how stressful it might be. but let me tell you something. the actual experience is something else altogether. nerve-racking is a word that comes to mind right now. i mean, of course, it’s definitely an exciting and thrilling time, but when you’re a perfectionist like me who wants to get every little detail sorted out working with a specific budget and without a wedding coordinator, it can get . . . interesting.

but then you’ll ask me, “if you’re so busy, how come you have time to blog?” because i’ll go insane if i don’t find a way to vent out and shake off my anxieties. my friends (who have bore the brunt of my nervousness) will tell you just how high-strung i can get these days, haha. besides, there is that little part of me that likes to pretend all is in order and that i have all the time in the world to do what i want. you know when you have a lot to do, but the realization of just how much effort it will take to accomplish them is enough to make you cry and you just want to keep postponing them while knowing at the same time you will pay for it? yep, that’s me right now.

it’s gotten to a point where i know i should just take a breath, quiet my mind, and say a prayer. but i haven’t found or made the time. maybe after this post, i will. sometimes, i get so lost and absorbed with controlling things, i forget that ultimately, He is in control and He is with me in this time of excitement and worry.

i just did a quick read-through this post, and i can tell i am just rambling. i really doubt anything i’ve just written is coherent. oh well. there’s time to edit it the next time i feel the need to “escape.”

so i guess that will be tomorrow then. 😉

g’nyt, world!

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today, i am grateful for . . . (day 3)

14 Mar

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I groggily woke up this morning to cooing sounds emanating from the right side of my bed. for a minute, i was at a loss trying to figure out who—or what—was making that noise. when i realized who the source was, i smiled as i yawned and opened my eyes. i was right!

standing beside my bed was the nanny holding on to my cutie-patootie, chubbycheeks nephew. he giggled in that pleasing sort of way only babies can (like someone had told him THE funniest joke in the world) as the nanny handed him off to me. he looked at me inquisitively and then broke out one of those contented smiles that makes me believe that all is well in the world.

i breathed in and out deeply and grinned. oh babies 🙂

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#100daysofgratitude

1.i am grateful for the capacity to express myself through the “printed” word and the freedom to do so.

2. i am grateful for sweet summer rainshowers that lift up the soul and energize the spirit.

3. i thank God for the gift of nephews and nieces who remind me that joy can be found even in the simplest of things.

today, i am grateful for . . . (day 2)

13 Mar

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my gratitude project is off to an early today. as i type these words, i’m lying comfortably in bed, a thick blanket twisted around my legs as i enjoy the soothing, melodic pitter-patter of the rain.

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#100daysofgratitude

1.i am grateful for the capacity to express myself through the “printed” word and the freedom to do so.

2. i am grateful for sweet summer rainshowers that lift up the soul and energize the spirit.

today, I am grateful for . . . (day 1)

12 Mar

i have recently noticed a lot of people in facebook posting pictures with the hashtag #100daysofhappiness. out of curiousity, i asked a friend what it was all about. apparently, it’s a challenge for people to find things that make them happy every day for 100 days. according to her, the challenge was a tough one because only a very few are able to actually last throughout it. my initial reaction was, “how difficult can it be to find something that makes you happy?”

fast forward an hour later, and i realized that yes, it can be difficult to do it. why? because we live in a possession-obsessed world that constantly clamors for us to own the next “it” thing—whether it means getting the latest high-end gadget, a revolutionary beauty fix, or even getting your child into the most exclusive and renowned school in the planet. we are made to think there is something fundamentally lacking in our lives until we possess whatever is being flaunted at us. contentment has become an obsolete word, and over time, our concept of happiness seems like an unattainable goal. which is exactly why the project is a worthwhile one.

i was inspired to undertake a similar project, but i wanted mine to be about 100 days of gratitude. a friend’s used the phrase “attitude of gratitude” in a recent post related to the happiness project, and it really struck me. i am at a point in my life where i need to make a conscious effort to remember the many things i am thankful for but take for granted. so i endeavor to keep this in mind for the next 100 days.

this couldn’t have come at a better time. life in its humdrum (and the seeming futility of it all) has gotten me down the past few weeks or so, so i am hopeful this will remind me that life can still pleasantly surprise you and that there is still so much more to look forward to.

so to get to it, i would like to start off with what i am grateful for today.

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#100daysofgratitude

1.i am grateful for the capacity to express myself through the “printed” word and the freedom to do so.

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see you tomorrow!

the loneliness of home

14 Aug

[a post i wrote back in june but got around to finishing today]

all is quiet in this big old house again. the stifling stillness and the empty spaces are enough to make me want to put my hands on my face and just let out a good ole’ cry. and bemoan about it on my blog.

just a week ago, the house was filled with the lovely sounds and sights of family chaos. if you’re from a sort-of-big family like i am—4 siblings and a niece (a recent addition to the family) to boot, plus extended family, then anything but a noise- and chatter-filled home is your run-of-the-mill day. all that changed when my mom passed away, me and my siblings got older, and life happened. the siblings moved out for one reason or another till it was just me, my dad, our yaya, and our 7 dogs. i can’t imagine what the house is like on weekdays when i’m at the office. how deathly quiet it must be here, with only the occasional dog barks and accompanying buzz of the tv to keep my dad company. at night, it’s the same scenario. that’s probably why i usually go home late. to avoid all this. weekends are worse, especially when my siblings don’t come over for a visit. that’s why for that one week my brother and his wife came back from singapore for a one-week visit, my heart was overjoyed. finally . . .  some life and noise in our house again.

it’s really both heartwarming and heartbreaking to know that nothing but family is able to replace the emptiness of home.

for whom the death bell tolls

4 Dec

for whom the death bell tolls

[i started this post last week, but only got around to finishing it today. i hate to write on a somber note after yet another hiatus from blogging, but  sometimes, we do not get to choose what we want to talk about. sometimes, some things just need to be expressed.]

last night, I heard the heartbreaking news of a friend’s parents gunned down after attempting to fight back after being held up as they were getting into their car. the father passed away on the spot from shots to the heart; the mother lost the fight early this morning. the brother, for reasons still unknown, was spared. all for a purse that the mother refused to give up.

and our friend was here in my city, miles and miles away from her family because she’s studying here. to lose both parents in one instant, in the most unnatural way, and to not be there . . . there really are no words.

the world we live in is indeed a dark and frightening place. one where the value of life has lost all meaning. or whose worth is equal to the contents of a woman’s purse. one where a person can so easily, and without conscience, take another’s life over what that seems to bring out the worst in us—money, greed.

our hearts mourn and break and we cry out in anguish to the heavens, asking, begging for an explanation for the senseless deaths. but there is no rhyme or reason, no answer that will ever fully satisfy or ease the sorrow.

it’s been a week since we heard the news. and i’m still struggling with the whys and how comes and what ifs. i can’t help but think of my own mortality and all the questions and fears that pop up whenever we encounter death. and though i know i’ll never have the answers until my own time has come, i am comforted by the hope i have in Him.

i’ll end with an excerpt from the Ernest Hemingway novel, For Whom the Bell Tolls:

How little we know of what there is to know. I wish that I were going to live a long time instead of going to die today because I have learned much about life in these four days; more, I think than in all other time. I’d like to be an old man to really know. I wonder if you keep on learning or if there is only a certain amount each man can understand. I thought I knew so many things that I know nothing of. I wish there was more time.

 

rest in peace, e & e o.